False Advertising!!

You cook amazing and that's a fact. Those unlucky lads who never got a bite off your artifacts of mastery are lost souls seeking redemption. When you cook up a story like this, you might as well live up to it. Or, give it a start before your stomach turns against you after being incessantly patient for the last 4 months of your hostel life. The food-shelf welcome you with a mysterious array of edible stuffs, and you make no connection whatsoever. So, why not just... experiment? After all, its food and you can't go wrong!

So there I was, cooking my own recipe...till the bogus mass gave out a peculiar stench instead of the flavored scent I was expecting. If optimism was the straw to a drowning man, mine just broke. I started having second thoughts. The smell can't be from the "thing" 'm making, while I racked my brains trying to remember the last time I took a proper bath.

Well, this is infinitely insignificant compared to what I saw on TV today. We have the heroine visiting the hero in his apartment. Its an old movie, mind you. So we cant be critical of their actions (or dialogues for that matter). The hero offers her a drink, which she refuses.
Then he sees her to the door, says: "I'm glad you didnt stay for long, or you would have seen me in my Rakshasa form"
He calls himself that wearing PINK shirt and matching elephant pants!!
Well, that was an old movie. But what can be said for an excuse for this brand of undies for kids?

With a striking tagline, "we are the future", it comes with some prominent features. But lemme just focus on the third "prominent" feature. Friendly cuddly prints take you to fantasy land even while sleeping
NOW.. I AM SCARED.

Bitching about random people

Talking about personal moments that I could be proud of, it just occurred to me that my name could be unscrambled to get JAIL-AN. I dunno what to make of it... yet.

*A good round of applause would've been nice!* :P

Ohkay, here's something new. To those who all made fun of my Hindi, here's a dedication from a real life incident from a restaurant in central part of the country.
Me: bhaiyya, doh masala dosas.
Waiter: (nods) Aapka GUER-ELLA??
Me: No GORILLAS, thank you. (shakes my head and hands for emphasis)

Defintely, this is the kinda guy you dont want to put in customer relations department. Anyway, I figured out his question. It was, "Are you from Kerala?". And it took me a while to think that out. Maybe more than a while.

Cutting it short,I live the land of multiple languages now. I am here to make memories, learn to live an independent life, work on my cooking skills, and maybe to follow the path to wisdom.. ah! the usual things they make up to deny they miss home. But on the positive side, I did get all the above. Lets not talk about memories, most of them should be censored especially the one where I got to take a leak on one of the campus hot spots. Not getting there now. Or breaking a lock right after getting a no due certificate. I really have to stop it here. I am sorry. I do want to study here. Its a nice place and 'm enjoying it here (as you can read).
Independence level: average. The last thing I did was go out and get myself a bread omelette at midnight by myself. Mind you, the stall was still inside the campus. But THAT is a big thing for a girl to do from the place I come from. Later I got chased by a dog who wanted a bite of my bread omelette. Now, I usually had people to protect me from WILD animals. And I will shamelessly brag about making a street dog getting bored of me as oppposed to chasing me around and biting me. Or worse, licking me.

The quest of wisdom? Lets jut enlighten that with an actual excerpt from my scripting class. The prof wanted something different, and that's exactly what we gave her. The story goes on like this. We have a really bad guy who kills the good guy and marries his wife. The good guy, in turn haunts them.

In one of our scenes, we have James(antagonist)who is really pissed at something and Danny(the ghost) in the same room, which James is unaware of. James vents it off by throwing a paper weight against the wall, fuming. And thats when our ghost has second thoughts on saying "Booo..!". He figures its a bad time to mess with the villian and hides under the office table. Anti climax? The wall bleeds. *Ouch ouch ouch*

But our prof was clear on the instructions: we cant have a ghost because they're not real!

So people put their heads together. I'll just say this: its bad enough we have a scared ghost, but do we really need a priest who insists upon finding and killing a corpse? Why? Because, no one knows if he's dead.
Let me know if you hear teeth rattlings coming under your desk. Its prolly James and he's ran for his dear life from our class. That's all for the day. BOO!

R.E.M

Sleep wasn't coming, she didn't want to give in either. It wasn't scary. In fact, it wasn't scary at all. But the eerie feeling of being watched, and the passive yielding to the cloaked ghost walking beside. Shaking hands with IT made her queasy. But it was an open theater, only with its seats chained. She knew none of this was real, but she can't just wake up.

Goodness too, in its cloaked form, walked past like a stranger on street leaving behind nothing save a discarded cigarette butt. Dropping hints in smoke. And it was her turn, to pick those crumbs and wear her secret cloak. Agreeing to the dark spirit, but undoing the damage. The movie in her head reeled on..and she did her best to remain the passive traveler.

"Lets meet some good people"

So, my day begins with a text message:

"Edi..dont take me wrong. Tell me if its okay if you have cowdung in your system? Is it poisonous?"

No, I dont think that was a failed suicide attempt. It just happens. Well, read it: I love to keep such people. My reply? I said, she might start moooo..ing at good looking boys, and she should be fine otherwise. Now, thats a good damage control. Everyone's happy. You should too. Moo!!

Damage control..Reminds me of a mail I got three days back. The subject line was "Gift The Woman Who Means The World To You!". A list of books. Not a bad thing to gift your girlfriend, eh? But hey...lets see those tiny icons again. Beauty Diet? Oh, was that a subtle way of telling you girlfriend that she is fat?

Nicely done. Because if she is, you're gonna start wearing sunglasses for a while (for those black eyes).I know you still think your planet zig-zags on an orbit stealing the rings of Saturn. I have met your kind, believe me.

Bad. You're lost in the city you grew up. Worse. Your friend came to spend her holiday in your hometown. Nightmare. You cant ask for directions. Since practical thinking, was painting my house yellow with orange dots,I had no other alternative but to walk. Lets just take an account of the positives now. Good. She doesn't know what's happening. Better. She thinks 'm giving her a tour of the city. The best part. We walked in semi-circles, till I changed the course and she thought I was taking short cuts. She got a swollen feet the next day and thinks its shoe-bite. Bless her innocence.

How I lured her from her home? "C'mon, lets meet some good people". Did she? Debatable. (...I am gonna complete this later)

Talk to the...feet!

I came here to study. HAHA, I know! But I've promised to the two most important people in my life that I would actually give an effort this time. BAZINGA? No, not this time.

On a totally unrelated note, I hate lizards. Despise their very existence. That's one creature that makes me re-think on the whole idea of evolution. No, 'm not complaining. I would rather eat an ice-cream cone than swinging upside down from trees. And on a related note, i.e related to my previously unrelated anti-lizard campaign, once a salesman materialised at my door with his non-patented, assorted junk. I usually make it a point to show an uninterested face throughout the show so as to subtly tell them I'm not buying any of their products. But this guy had the, answer I was looking for. A "thing", (I'll cal it as the thing, because it doesn't deserve a name for reasons you'l see later). So, this thing supposedly puts an end to the miserable human-lizzy co-existance. 'm sorry, my face lit up, so did his. Two happy humans looking at each other. He saw his way in. And I saw the way out for those ugly miniature monsters.

"Mom?? I waaant that thing!!"
Of course I got it. Pampered pet gets what she wants in those good old days of childhood. Sigh.
And this magical novelty's price wasnt listed in the pack, I should have been more careful, but what the hell, I want those things out of the house and I was ready to pay. It had 5 pieces with a double sided tape on its rear end, all I had to do was stick it to the walls, specifically on their hangout areas. I proudly climbed the chair propped on table (I dont believe in stepladder, lesser chances of adventure, if you know what I mean) and stuck, stuck and STUCK them everywhere!!

Nothing happened. Maybe its a slow learner, and I was understanding. A day went by..A week.. A month. I imagined the frequency of their haunting to be going down. I was unbelievably patient, till one day our maid accidentally knocked it down, and I went to investigate. There, it was my fallen war-hero. And guess what? The "thing" I fondly gazed upon everyday was harbouring lizard's eggs. It turned itself into a nest for salamander babies.

Does your parents hate it when you wake them up in the middle of night? Of course they do, why are you even nodding? I can turn into a female Minotaur myself. What am I getting at, eH? A fail-safe way to wake others up for no reason and get away with it.

This happened yest night at 1:40am.
At- Bedroom. Chars- mom and myself.

Me: Amma, ammaaa..!! (make sure you speak n hushed tones, and speak really fast)
Mom: mmhh..??
Me: there's someone walking in our compound.. you hear that?
Mom: (springs up, fully awake)

(We spent the next 2mins scanning the neighborhood through the curtains)

Mom: I dont see anything..check if the front doors are locked.
Me: (No. I will not get up. Let him walk up to me, if he wants to)
Oh, its probably nothing. Besides, the bedrooms are secure. Why dont we just go to sleep?

We did, or maybe I did. I dunno about mom, but I did hear something.

P.S : Those who thought I was gonna post a narrative on my smelly feet, BAZINGAA! In fact, my feet smells quite nice.

Thats all folks!

My broken fence

My broken fence kissed by earth
laid there, wet in rain
the shade of worms and dented sand
welcomed the fall in glory

You break a twig, you leave a print
for me to gaze, let the shadow laze
coiled fingers slowly uncurl,
wiping sweats of anticipation

cold hands against the dark skirt
waiting..waiting..
resolutely gawking at blunt splinters
now dead and meaningless.

I gape, at the closeness
Where did time go?
While it blinds men
I embrace my reality.

Whoops..!

Okay, so my friend whom I go out with most of the time came over to my place. After wasting hours on the internet, and talking of other people (which is not the same as gossiping), supplemented by a constant need to fill our stomachs we arrived at the conclusion we were hungry again!! And since size zero appeals to us as much as the bible fascinates an agnostic, we pledged ourselves to eat everything that the fridge has in store for us. We have to be careful in choosing here, because it contains the most unlikeliest things. So far, from the depths of the racks I have discovered, an earring stud in an inappropriate position with my butter, the TV remote chilling out in the freezer and my mom's cell phone next to the eggs. We dunno who keeps it there, but its always me who inadvertently finds them.

Since our late night movie plan didn't work out, and one last minute check on facebook told us its our classmates b'day.

Blink! An idea.
How cool would it be if we woke up random sleeping mortals late night and wish them birthday? We liked it instantly. We picked a couple of early sleepers, and started dialing. The obvious reason for choosing them is that they would not do the same trick on us. Sadly, most of our victims were too sleepy to realise that their phone's ringing. Until-

XXX: Hello??

Yaaayy..!! One hit out of 8. Now, thats not bad, is it?

us: Happieeeee Buuurthdaayyy.. (in chorus)

XX: (pause)

us: tooo yooouu..!!

XX: whaaa??

We start giggling... He thinks its his b'day!

us: Happy biiirthday, buddy!!

XX: are you guys outta ya mind?

us: You should be celebrating!!

XX: My grandpa died

us: Ha, ha, ha, now that's a good one. when's the treat?

XX: Its his funeral tomorrow.

us: uh oh..

Call us rude, but even the pillows on mouth couldn't muffle those heartless snorts.

XX: Aaand, I shall be "calling" you tomorrow morning.

Rise and shine, dirtbag!

07:06 Ow.!
07:13 Ouch, oww. oww!
07:18 Leave me alone!
07:21 Aaargh..! Fine. You got me. I'm up.

Well, what? Ants!! Thats what. I wake up to discover how these animal Lilliputians have organised and divided my back into a heptarchy (now my body looks like the Anglo Saxon map from the middle Ages). They seem peacefully settled on their property, and involved in their life time achievement: mining into my skin! That's right. Biting and boring through the hell out of my skin waking me up! I bet they're having a movie shooting going on there. Journey to the center of a HUMAN.

Me thinks my mom's on a symbiosis relationship with ants. I can only kick and muffle the alarm clock, but live crawling beasts poses greater threat (even to the existence of the future alarm clocks). Great thinking, mom. I love you.
Since I got up in time, I might as well get ready for college. My eyes mechanically traced those evil needles on the clock which seemed to say-

To which I said-

Ha! Gotcha! You're not on IST as you think. You're different. I'm-Screwed up-Time. That's what you are. I played with your secret mechanics when you weren't looking. And I know what exactly the time is while you dont. Boo!

I am in controoool of timmmmeeee.. 'm invincible!

Well, 'll be damned. The darn clock has done it again!
Another day. Just another day.

Through the phantom eyes

I pass around, unnoticed-
Trying in vain to complete
my exile,
knowing its futile

For those who see,
‘m a trick of their eyes
And for those who yearn to see,
they don’t run their miles.

A debate, a curious topic
was all I ever was.
Who cares if unicorn has a heart?
or void space meant for it?

Hatching inside minds,
yet an outside apparition
a projection of the outcasts
The mint of stories
complimented with holy
amulets
Is all you’ve got? Shame.

I rise a feet higher
toasting my luck of freedom
and I grimace at your
flawless make-believe world
so unreal, yet made real

You’re nothing but a ghost
Nicely wrapped in flesh and bones
Shaky and skinless
With crumbling faith in rosary beads

And I watch over you,
Seeing right through and though
YOUR safe and happy world
And feel nothing but pity in my empty void.

Some things that you should know (Part-II)

This is in continuation of my previous ramblings on an earlier post. Well, to those who missed that, be grateful to your guardian angel because that was censored stuff.
 Seriously.
 Don’t.
Okay, I lied. There isn’t anything particularly great in that post that would sate your curiosity, but saying don’t is one way to make you read that. My chain of discipline orientated educational institutions taught me that.
Moving on.. Humans are, undoubtedly, “The Boss” of this planet. You are free to disagree. But if you agree, who’s boss’ boss? God? Ultimate Truth? Money? Hmm, well, taking in account of the current scenario I should say, these answers to be wrong.  It is machines. Those who guessed it right can make a postal stamp of their face and dance like a gibbon gone barmy. And I’m a slave to a machine. Any more guesses? Washing Machine is the answer. And I’m confining myself from telling what to do for those who thought I was talking about my phone. Sorry, I lost my funny bone.
My washing machine has been washing my same old clothes for the last 24 hours. And still is. I think it is trying out for the scientists’dream of perpetual machine. And if I go near that detergent’s idea of roller coaster, that thing would scream as if Lucifer farted at its face. I don’t know where that analogy came from, but I hope it gives you the idea.My ex-mobile had issues on its own too. (Mobile phone guessers, excuse me. If you already did read the previous line, you are schizophrenic). My phone would automatically switch off itself when it got bored, and refuse to send messages if it’s a group message. And knowing myself and how things I use evolve under me, I let them have their way. They might be inanimate objects but they sure know how to govern us with their seemingly faulty evil circuit boards.
And we knew this already, but I feel like repeating it with a concrete example. Most well planned things never work out. If it did for you, go stuff pop corns in your ears. I‘m talking to actual people here, not machines that follow pre-programmed commands. Excuse us, please. Since, studying things on time wasn’t one of my major priorities in my academic life, and counting on extra marks for imagination didn’t work well enough, we engineered a plan. This is not a confession, just a prologue how screwed up things can go. We have a set of 16 objective questions before the eat-me-raw-if-you-know-these questions. The 16 Qs is more like a sick joke of the creator of question paper. It is designed in such a way that you won’t know more than 5 of it. Best part? Your friends might know the other five! So we made certain codes. Here you go.
(The letters on the shirt correspond to the answers to optional questions, in case you were wondering)

It would have looked fine if people didn’t have a sudden epidemic of itching buttocks. And the gradual increase of color of those who blushed at the thought of prickly bottoms.

Sigh. Some things are too good to be true, but at least we did watch others back. Literally.