Decluttering

....the art of throwing things away for recreational purposes. Could be forced, (like when your hostel asks you to leave), or you have a very important person visiting (a crush, a munificent relative who appreciates cleanliness),or when you adopt feng shui as your religion, or you are in need of cash: FAST.
The last one, is mostly a fight or flight situation. I have this cherished memory which involves hiding from a pizza delivery guy because I realised I was broke after I made the call. And that too, from a friend's phone and making sure he can't get into his room either. Oh, the joys of sitting under the sun, with a revolting stomach!

So, I was on my garbaging spree when I noticed those things that were hiding from plain sight. You know what I mean. Those random objects

1. that you'd fondly remember (and stash it before someone sees it with you)

2. that mocks you right at your face (oh yes, I've got pictures!)

3. that you wanted to obliterate from the face of earth. You know, like dead bodies?

4. embarasses the living crap out of you. (not hole-y underwears, think worse!)

I'm sure most of my friends would relate to these haunting inanimate objects, but allow me to show you how it happens to me.
Question: What could be the best gift a mom can send her daughter who studies in a different state and lives on noodles and her experimented self-cooked food?
How about a menu card of the new restaurant that recently opened next doors? That's exactly what mine did. I open the envelope and I see an orange flyer looking at me between the documents in pure, sinful delight!

It even had a well descrptive list from starters to desserts with deliberately photoshopped pictures that leaves you salivating (for that visual image!).

She denies it now. MY mom! No surprises there.

If mommies can, why not professional tooth molesters? Take a good look of this picture below. Notice that tongue sticking at you?

It was stuck on the file my dentist gave me. I thought it was self-explanatory, too.

Human Leeches. Part#1

Now that I've written about virtual people whom you can easily weed out from your life, this post was an eventuality. I wouldn't have taken the trouble to write this, if the lady next door hasn't come over to my room. I dedicate this post: to her.

So, here I was sitting comfortably in my bed, entertaining myself by calling my friend a "yellow frog" on a public, virtual platform. And then I hear a knock. Followed by a floating head materialising between the curtains.

Me: Hey, come on in.
Guest: Hey I just wanted to ask -
(My hands go for my headsets and I offer it to her)
Me: "Here", I added helpfully.

Guest: No. I just came to ask if I could make a call.
(Without missing a beat, or giving me time to think of a reason, she ventures). Where is your phone?

We look around TOGETHER, and I find it.

Guest: I just need it for 2 minutes.
Me: Sure, no problem.
She goes out dialling...and I don't hear from her for a while.

10 minutes later
Guest (with a sheepish grin plastered across her face): I'm sorry I finished off your balance.

Waves my hand as if chasing an invisible fly, only the intended fly didn't get the message.
Me: Aayee.. no problem mate!

And then she goes.

"You see, it was my professor from my place"
(To self): international call.
"And he wanted to come and visit me"
(To self): probably to murder you here, we have liberal laws.
"And I was guiding him whether to take flight.....route maps......and I called my mom......she knew someone...."
(To self): Sure no problem, I just recharged for you to finish it.

For those benevolent people who thinks I shouldn't whine about doing a small favor and making someone's day. A flashback -

Aforementioned person walks into our room. Zaapp! Like an uninvited genie popping up and asks my roommate -
"I need to use headphones"
"Sorry, I don't have it"

She spots what she was looking for in the shelf. "There!" prepares to take them off from the shelf. My smart thinking roomie (bless her heart), interrupts -

"thats my roommate's and I don't think she'll like it"
Guest: "here, I brought mine. Keep this instead" (Note: she brought her own headsets, for replacement)
"no, really.."
"Okay, I'll wake her up then?" Thanks to my roommate, she didn't.

But she did turn up every 15 minutes to see if I was up. Much to my regret, I did wake up sooner that I intended and her internal radar picked it up. Genie got back I gave it to her. After some hours, I walk to her room.

"Hey, I need 5 minutes, I'm talking to my dad"
"uhh.. fine then. Just give it to me when you're done."
"why don't you use mine?"
Wrong question. I counter, "why don't you?"
"The sound, it doesn't go well with my lap".
"Too bad, but I'm going to be interviewed online. So.."
I was pleased with myself for coming up with that.
I see a sad face, with a disapproving look at me. "my father.."
"You said five minutes right, I'll come back in five. See ya!"

P.S: I read somewhere that cow farts contribute to global warming.

P.P.S: On an unrelated note, I have a new acquired habit of having gas troubles right when I walk past her door. Good-day, everyone!

NoN- S [fri]ends! (Read: nonsense!)

When it comes to talking to virtual people, one thing you would want to remember is that: there's always an option to unfriend. Less conspicuous and you don't need to feel awkward because, Gee..they can't see that exhilarating face you put on when you click unfriend! Here's a list of people who needs to be shut in a room with that irritating talking mirror from Snow White.

#1 Deluded mortals who invests their time in all the wrong movies.

I bumped into person in question online after like 7 years. After the initial "hello and how are you's" he jumps to the question,

"So, tell me about your personal life!"

and then he supplements it him being a "good boy" as he doesn't involve in smoking and drinking. This is from someone who posted drunk pictures all over his facebook account. Then next day, he wants to marry me. Third day, he's my protective brother who'd beat others up on my word. Either he has a medical condition no one knows, or he's playing hard-to-get by making him sound "complex"

*my rolling eyes shudders at the memory*

#2 When an ex-friend sends you a friend request
This is a loop. You've been warned. I've seen cases where those friend requests comes with a fair warning,

"hey, dont add reject, because one more rejection of my friend request would make the site block my profile".

Well, points for honesty!
From that to someone, who's been nagging you, every fortnightly to forget the past. I think he forgot too much, because when I responded one fine day, surprising myself and him, he responded with "hey, I know your name, but can't quite place it". Sure, my bad. Maybe he obliterated too much from his past. I wished him luck and was about to close the window when messages pop up. "Now that we talked so much, (3 lines to be exact) we could be friends, add me?" To "add me please?". I dunno why he asked me to add him, and not the other way round, but I have a fairly good idea.

#3 Those needy ones
For those who take the saying "a friend in need is a friend indeed". We never see/hear them until one fine day-

"Hello, how are you? Please like this page", It could also asking for comments and likes on their profile picture which so many edits that they look like a cross between a peacock and a hippogriff. Like that? Even genealogists won't dare for that kinda combination. Not for ethical reasons, aesthetic ones!

#4 Multi-taskers
A guy hitting on a girl is normal. As Sheldon Cooper would say, its a "biological urge". But what if he hits two people simultaneously, who are bffs AND are online at the same time? If he was playing by the laws of probability, it just defied all laws of stupidity. We are yet to find a name for people of your genre.
It reminds me of the line, "come to my parlour, said the spider to the fly", but only the spider dumbass would post something like - "DO NOT ENTER...yet" (I'm still spinning!)

#5 The excessive talkative
If you've read E.V.Lucas's aptly titled work called Bores, you'd get a fairly good idea of these gifted individuals. A lucky sect of people who believes the world is interested in their hourly share of whining, constantly updated poor jokes, and posting pictures of whatever they had from morning with some one-liner lifted from the internet. And oh good lord, the smiley faces plastered onto every comment of theirs. Jolly good fella, eh? I'm so glad that King James I (who believed in divine right) does not belong in this century.

Know anyone who'd fit into the category? Delay not, unburden that enormous list and save yourself from drama overdose!