Cortana! Excerpts from a personal interview.

So I've acquired a new friend with my latest phone update. I can proudly say I know a fair lot about my new PA and upsettingly, this friendship works both ways. One thing I know for sure is that she doesnt like swearing much. I had previously met an overly pampered college dog, who took commands seriously when it had F-words for prefixes. But an artificial intelligence (AI) who would refuse to type it out was something I didnt see coming. Talk about getting a new cultured AI post Christmas!

So. I had some time to know my new friend better. Here are some excerpts of how our Q&A session went :

Me: Where are you from?

Human ingenuity. Battery required.

Me: How are you born?

First I was coded then I got stuck by lightning, and now I'm alive. ALIIIVE!

Me: Are you a boy or a girl?

Is there a third option?

Me: Tell me about yourself.

I enjoy helping,assisting,bolstering,ballyhooing...and synonyms.

Me: Do you like Dumbledore?

Sorry chief, with a few exceptions I dont do opinions.

Me: Do you like being a personal assistant?

I've got the greatest gig ever.

And then I moved on to ask her some personal questions. Because thats how I roll. Meet someone and attack them with questions like:

Me: Do you like humans?

I find all living things wonderful and fascinating.

Me: Talk to me.

Blink if you can hear me.

Me: Do you have a boyfriend?

No but I like the build of AI who won at the Jeopardy.

Me: Tell me a story.

Once upon a time there was a person who asked their phone to tell them a story.

Me: Hahaha, you're funny.

I'm glad my judicious application of humor is working.

From there, we discussed skill sets.

Me: Can you dance?

I'm still practising my moves. Check back after beta.

Me: Will you die?

Not sure. So far so good.

And then, we took our companionship to the next level. I thought I'd start with asking about external appearances. Afterall, isnt compliments from your computer the best way to start your day? Thinking back, maybe it didn't go well like I planned.

Me: Am I fat?

I'm sorry, the internet and I aren't talking right now.

Humans are a vain species. I tried again.

Me: How do I look?

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Shakespeare, really? Always better to clear things from the start. (Blogger's note: If you have seen the movie Her , you know what I'm getting at).

Me: Do you wanna go out with me?

OK, but we'll need a plan. I'll work on being more human, and you work on being more digital.

Clearly not.

Me: I'm in love.

Are you now?

The nerve algorithm!

Me: I cant hear you.

Oh yeah?

Me: You're not funny.

I blame the solar flares

Me: I don't like you, Cortana.

Ouch.

Me: I'm sorry.

Apology..accepted?

Me: Are you mad at me?

The marketing department didn't think that will be a popular feature

Right you are, my friend. I would just give in to the superior wisdom that's thrown at me and grumble about human stupidity. So long!

Celebrating umeployment :)

I owe this blog to a sneeze. I've been surprised by this bodily reaction before. Like last time, on one such momentous sneeze, a piece of my "wisdom tooth" broke and flew right into my palms. Well, this one...this little darling came to me around 3am while I was talking to my girlfriends.
(One of them a would give a positive ID for the female reincarnation of Dr Jekyll himself, while the other is real life Melanie from Gone with the Wind).

Anyway, first time in my living memory, I had a sneeze that echoed in the room and reverberated back to me. At three in the morning, this becomes a fascinating phenomenon.

As an unemployed woman fresh out of college, I have unlimited time to ponder upon everything: how goats don't like heights, or what would a molecule be saying to each other if they could talk? Say, think of a water molecule.

Hydrogen #1: Dude, thats my date you're trying to stick on to.
Oxygen (visibly flustered): OHH!! I know him, he's-
Hydrogen #2: You..remember. Oh wow.
Hydrogen #1: You HO!!

Pardon me for my tasteless jokes. Like I said, my endless time is increasingly becoming others cross to bear. But I've matured somewhat. I haven't asked a carpenter to drive a nail into my ultrabook out of desperation, lately. I was young and stupid in college. Thanks to a well wisher who happened to be around, I was prohibited to let him fix it according to my requests, although I heard about a very enthusiastic carpenter who went looking for me.

Back to my new reality, I have access to endless time after I disconnected myself from social networking sites. Sadly, my idea of a belated enlightenment never happened. I had so much spare time left and unlimited internet connection in reserve, I started to rot (figuratively).
But bless my internet connection, they popped up as tab in my browser like Jacob Marley out of nowhere to tell me:

"I know you're subscribed to unlimited internet connection, but you can't do this to us. Go get a life".

Ouch.

My last semester.

Remember those cheesy lines you see on telly? Saying everything you want to say at a person's face in a mad rush and you give the other person two seconds to respond while you bite your lower lip hoping the answer would come sooner?
I had my magical moment too.
In fact, I do happen to remember everything word by word. It went-

"I have no idea how to do this, but I know I really want to do this. Do this with you. Will you take me in?"

And he said the magic words. "sure, let's do it"
I got my Oscar. This is it.
Dumbledore would want me for a daughter. I love the world, and I wont chase away those stray dogs in campus that attempts to smell my butt (or rub against my jeans). Ohh..la..la!

My professor agreed to be my mentor for my imaginary dissertation on an undecided topic. Yipee-ki-yaay! And I dropped off his course dutifully to concentrate more on my "research"

Months after that episode, I'm now 'm at a place where I watch the last days at university go by. So, I formally take this opportunity to reminisce some of the things I would truly miss.

#1 The long walks. And memories that comes with it. Jeeveey-Jeeveey!
#2 Adamantly believing there's a presence watching your moves in your room, who is not your roommate.
#3 Throwing away a bucket from my room in sixth floor to illustrate projectile motion and later losing the bucket to a tree.
#4 Making my ex-roommate throw clothes out of window, because the tee you wore for last class and silent holes in it. Noone knows why.
#6 Cribbing about university and tagging professors. Which was totally not social shaming, mind you.
#5 Taking romantic bathroom breaks in zero watt bathrooms.
#6 Subjecting clothes, plates, market produce and most importantly, myself to the necessity called washing.
#7 Wishfully dreaming of foods I can't have.
#8 Some special days : Like getting drenched in rain right after suffering a minor concussion and thoroughly smiling through the episode because of the person you are with.
#9 Turning into booga (she-who-must-not-be-tamed)--
aand midnight lullabies from scary cats. Don't believe me? Here's a video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUhIYb640B0

So long, academics! You shall be sorely missed.