What do you want?

You know your life is never going to be the same when the national hero everyone knew had a different name altogether in your head
[hint: he plays cricket and his name starts with a number].
I take this opportunity to look back at my audacity when I decided to name my pet fish Brain Damage. It died. Next week. Death out of depression is starting to look less unlikely now.

Remember that episode from Dexter's Laboratory? The one where he goes to bed hearing "omelette du fromage" all night and wakes up and that's the only thing in his head? I was Dexter of the Day. I went to bed listening to Gotye's song (refer title of this post) and was aping the cute skeleton's move in the forest at 5 in the morning.

my new found love. Yes, you awesome piece of bones.

I wake up, spend an hour making notes for my presentation and make a run for it. I finish my "talk", and wait for questions to come.

Professor: So in your opinion,what is BLAA about??
Me: It was blah. Through and through.
Professor notes that down in her notepad while I use my eye-ball stretching skills to view my grade. (ending pause)

And then (in a smaller voice) before I could stop myself, I blurt out -

"What do you want?"

Shit.
Walk back to the seat.
Smile.
Pretend they heard it wrong.
Walk.
No eye contact.
Repeat.
It must be karma that screwed me over cause right after presentation, I was to submit this shit long paper on my topic. I started working online and I was doing fairly job reading about crickets singing in slow motion. Then something happens and my skydrive stops working. Setbacks are part of life, ain't it?
I do it for the second time offline, sacrificing sleep and eating less. Aaaand the file just vanishes out of my roommate's muggle laptop.

I go back to the professor, breaks down and blame it on cosmic irony and ask for a week's extension.
"WHATDOYOUWANTFROMME,LIFE??" echoed an irritated voice from my room to noone in particular.
I'd really like to write more, but the winter's setting in. Bags to pack before I sleep, bags to pack before I sleep.

And hurrah! It's raining.

A friend indeed

I cant quite place this in order of friendship. So I'll be random.

Think of a bunch of foreign guys whom you're assigned to be in a group discussion. Rule: there won't be one single person who's talking at one point of time. Its a simultaneous process involving multiple persons. They're very much into talking.

#1: where did you meet him?
me: we went to the same schoo-
#2: when are you gonna marry him?
me: Waai..wha-?
#3(wisely): You know.. "there's always love in friendship"
*this is accompanied by a general nod of agreement from all of them*
me: Uhh..listen
#4: You know like the movie-
me: umm..
#5(triumphantly): Kuch Kuch Hota Hai!!
#3: Yes, I saw that 5 times!
Emphasises its importance by showing all five his fingers to me in a to and fro motion.
#2: Ahh..yes. And starts laughing with #1 and #3.
#4: I had this story once...
me: yeah?
And proceeds to tell me his story which kinda ends on a sad note.
#6 who was listening to all the conversation added wisely: you know, you should tell him.
me (thoroughly amused): so, you guys are saying if I don't make a move now, I'll regret it and have an ache over here? *pressing my hand on my heart imitating #4's previous gesture*
They all nod solemnly.
THE JUNIOR GUY (who was editing our group work on the computer): Hey! Who's marrying whom?
Everyone: You, back to the computer!
The best part? I love all these guys now. Its like small bundles of Joy. I especially loved their synchronized laughing. And they even showed me pictures of their country as well as the sad heroine of #4's life.

Your best friend comes to stay with you when she's on vacation. You take her out to a zoological park. You are having a good time looking at jaguars and making albino jokes at white tigers. Those harmless, non-offensive ones. There's a quiet drizzle that paints the environment in natural colors. Then it changed. It was raining harder, and we kept walking. We were soaked to our bones sooner than we thought.

Me: Hey, maybe we should find a shade?

My evil best friend: No, lets just get back to our bus. Oh and by the way, you're flashing.

My clothes had decided it was a good idea to go transparent on me, without giving me a hint! Well, with that golden line, she gets the best friend of the month award.

And my roommate. My walking to-do list. She'll remind me of my assignment, notes, and urges me to do readings and pretend she doesn't care if I don't. So there was this presentation I was supposed to do in class. I ended up not preparing and calling up my professor at 4:04.

Sir,we have a compulsory medical insurance orientation today. (which was true) I don't think half the class will be coming.

They have. I'm in class already. Come and do your presentation

Ouch.
I didn't even say my name. He knew.
I ran back to my room instead, got my sleeping roommate's old notebook and read out her notes. If she hadn't studied the same thing previous year, I would have been truly screwed.
Aarthi, thank you. Although I did screw my group members by convincing them there wont be a class. And they took my word for it. My apologies.

And this online site missed me when I wasn't around:

Just so you know, the roommate I talked about? She goes to bed clutching a knife because she can. Sweet dreams, love!

That awkward moment when...

Show me someone who isn't one bit annoyed with a sentence that starts like that. You see that everywhere. Like discarded toenails. Well, now that you're here reading this, you might as well check out my toenail clippings too. Ha! Didn't see that coming, huh? Or did you?
Well anyway, here's a list of my authentic you-know-what-moments, which you won't be reading if you had something better to do

WINNER: a confused cow decides to chew iron rods and camouflage against your car when you're taking driving classes.

RUNNER-UP: your gran asks, "What is malala?" and you boldly guesses its a new variant of Coconut. [She could've used a different pronoun. Or maybe it was a trick question].

you end up in a tug-of-war with a local monkey over a fruit juice in a tourist spot. You won't let go because you're too broke to buy another one. Meanwhile, amused tourists around you take pictures of your predicament

your grandma overfeeds you because she believes you have an adult stage dwarfism which is medically undiagnosable.

you go for a sleepover at your friend's place and you wake up to see a stray dog sleeping between you and your friend.

a horror movie that has a scene like this -

you meet an old (really skinny)friend after a long time, and hug them against their protests.

Because its a Sunday, I'm willing to give more of free hugs. Embrace the horror!

Accomplishments of the month!

I proudly declare that I've pushed my limits and achieved the following. I swear all of my below mentioned achievements are real and I'm gladly gloating over it. Thank you for stopping by.

BEST STALKER
I found someone I was looking for 7years, and that too, with the help of Google map.
Kindly make your own inferences and refrain from asking.

MOBILE LANGUAGE DEVELOPER
I taught my phone to say,

hhhhhhhhhh

when its sarcastic.
Other codes include - bnn for banana
GGdlls for Goo Goo dolls
jjb for jojoba
Flatter me nicely and I'll tell you how my keypad stopped working after my phone took a dip in soapy water.

TASTE OF THE UNCOMMON
During my days of internship, they gave me the opportunity to be the dj for a day. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Every minute of it.
They never did the same stunt again.

SISTER OF THE YEAR
My brother loves my mom, although not to the point of making me feel threatened. He's right now staying over 2000kms from home, much to my delight, and conversation have become limited to video calls. And I run and kiss my mom for no reason when he's talking to her.
Think I'm evil? No, he beat me when I was 5 years old because he was a git. And I had to dial the police control station to take him away, to prison or whatever. They never came, talked to him instead.

BEST FRIEND OF THE YEAR
Just like Keira Knightley would say, "Parley" when confronted by pirates, I ring up my friend and say "Come over" when mom wants the ENTIRE house to be cleaned. Our house was maintained by people who would make Kreacher blush for his negligence. My best friend actually came home with an extra set of clothes just to help me out.
As a gesture of gratitude, I let her buy me ice creams later.

And here's a picture of me on the floor, a well deserved fall for a spoilt little pest like me.

Cont... (on wasting away productively)

Day #42.
My celebrity attention is waning. They make me do household chores now. Its getting bad, so I had to think of survival strategies that keeps me going.

For instance, mom just decided our house needed a round of cleaning. She decided. And I was rudely pulled away from my laptop which they call my "harmonium". And sure, I thought I'll genuinely help her this time. We started with the PC. She was brushing dust off the keyboard while I spotted accumulated dust on CPU's fan. I timidly tried poking it with earbuds till they were confident enough to let me go full scale with a screwdriver.
It was Onam/Vishu come early! Ahhhh..!
I dusted the dirt onto the circuit board, and then upturned the whole thing and thumped on it's back. Trying to relieve a fat baby with gas troubles. The PC works better now.
And it did leave me a souvenier in gratitude - an unidentified plastic object that flew out and fits nowhere. It didnt look like an important component anyway.

Things are changing, they are getting used to me. People are getting insulted by my humor sense. I laughed at a bus that would take me to Navel base. They didn't like it. It appears to my family, that I'm spoilt. Frankly, it's the voices in their head speaking.
But I wouldn't dare say that out loud. Instead, I'll have to go out and get it myself. Not to mention the enormous effort I'd have to put up with to appear civilized.

What if someone kidnapped me on my way to buy ice-cream? Or worse, what if he leaves me behind and runs- off with MY chocolatey- crispy-mhh-(add a lot of adjectives)-icecream?

And it gets even confusing..

My gran can spot a well camouflaged mosquito from the next room and hunt it down with the electrical bat. Yet, she seems to think its me singing when she sees Andrea Jane from Corrs. Did you hear that yedu?

What vacation has in store for you - A loose end study on your short leisurely life

I am home.
Currently reclaiming childhood with acts of tantrums, occasional jumping on bed, asking (getting) up to three extra helpings on desserts, and blankly staring at products in aesthetically wrapped covers to my liking till mom complies and it goes to the shopping cart.

Last week, mom caught me sitting inside (a really spacious) wardrobe looking (nothing in particular - you never know what's inside). She was amused to see her 22 year old crouching on top of clothes, and she stood there laughing. Had this happened 10 years back, I would be nursing a red spot in my arm and giving her silent treatment till she tempts me with treats.
Ah, the good old days.

Oh wait. I'm still there.

You become a local celebrity - Shop owners knocks off the change, fruit seller guy would be kind with the rates and everyone's looking at the new (ahem!) chick who came back with shorter hair and lesser body fat.
I feel pretty...oh sooo pretty! (Think about Adam Sandler singing that in Anger management)
I was about to miss my bus today, when the driver saw me raising my hand 25 metres away, awkwardly, and he gestured that he'll wait for me, if I'd just run along! Disclaimer: I'm not his everyday passenger and it was just my second time.

And my hand gesture wasn't waving, it was me showing off my cool five fingers. Yet, the reckless overspeeding bus stood there, waiting.
People love me! I do not want to think of the other side. (Ignore: reckless, overspeeding bus)

Everyone wants to take you out- Recently, Asia's largest mall in the city popped up and presto! we have a tourist spot where people take pictures of their friends looking at things they can't/don't want to buy. Its the new trendsetter, I assure you.
Imagine this, you just came back from an expedition to Mars and was just about to brag to your homies. They welcome you with, "Duudee, you still look shitty. Guess what? They have ice rink too!"
You'll be like, "Whaa?" And then you are transported into the world of human trafficiking.
Only in a different sense altogether. You will be dodging between children let loose, a crowd of high-heeled ladies and lost individuals. Again, not lost in the geographical sense, but lost to themselves. Random thoughts include -

> Was my teeth that yellow or is it the glass pane/ lights? (I hope that girl in skirts doesn't notice) and puts on a stony expression.

> If I bought that, I'd have to walk home.

> How cool is my new ringtone/graphic tee/ ridiculously painted nails? Yeaaahhh...look at me, bitches!

> I'll try blending in by walking in circles

> In the lift - How bad do I smell? (And then they take deep breaths)

You find yourself agreeing to things you hated, because its been a long time. Like wearing that "costume" you don't want to be seen dead with, but its a present. Or visiting that relative who always smelt of smoke. Or doing domestic chores like stripping a dry coconut from its persistent coat.

If you are led to believe that I got more share of attention than I deserve, meet Baaa..!

Hmm..that's what I thought too!

Decluttering

....the art of throwing things away for recreational purposes. Could be forced, (like when your hostel asks you to leave), or you have a very important person visiting (a crush, a munificent relative who appreciates cleanliness),or when you adopt feng shui as your religion, or you are in need of cash: FAST.
The last one, is mostly a fight or flight situation. I have this cherished memory which involves hiding from a pizza delivery guy because I realised I was broke after I made the call. And that too, from a friend's phone and making sure he can't get into his room either. Oh, the joys of sitting under the sun, with a revolting stomach!

So, I was on my garbaging spree when I noticed those things that were hiding from plain sight. You know what I mean. Those random objects

1. that you'd fondly remember (and stash it before someone sees it with you)

2. that mocks you right at your face (oh yes, I've got pictures!)

3. that you wanted to obliterate from the face of earth. You know, like dead bodies?

4. embarasses the living crap out of you. (not hole-y underwears, think worse!)

I'm sure most of my friends would relate to these haunting inanimate objects, but allow me to show you how it happens to me.
Question: What could be the best gift a mom can send her daughter who studies in a different state and lives on noodles and her experimented self-cooked food?
How about a menu card of the new restaurant that recently opened next doors? That's exactly what mine did. I open the envelope and I see an orange flyer looking at me between the documents in pure, sinful delight!

It even had a well descrptive list from starters to desserts with deliberately photoshopped pictures that leaves you salivating (for that visual image!).

She denies it now. MY mom! No surprises there.

If mommies can, why not professional tooth molesters? Take a good look of this picture below. Notice that tongue sticking at you?

It was stuck on the file my dentist gave me. I thought it was self-explanatory, too.

Human Leeches. Part#1

Now that I've written about virtual people whom you can easily weed out from your life, this post was an eventuality. I wouldn't have taken the trouble to write this, if the lady next door hasn't come over to my room. I dedicate this post: to her.

So, here I was sitting comfortably in my bed, entertaining myself by calling my friend a "yellow frog" on a public, virtual platform. And then I hear a knock. Followed by a floating head materialising between the curtains.

Me: Hey, come on in.
Guest: Hey I just wanted to ask -
(My hands go for my headsets and I offer it to her)
Me: "Here", I added helpfully.

Guest: No. I just came to ask if I could make a call.
(Without missing a beat, or giving me time to think of a reason, she ventures). Where is your phone?

We look around TOGETHER, and I find it.

Guest: I just need it for 2 minutes.
Me: Sure, no problem.
She goes out dialling...and I don't hear from her for a while.

10 minutes later
Guest (with a sheepish grin plastered across her face): I'm sorry I finished off your balance.

Waves my hand as if chasing an invisible fly, only the intended fly didn't get the message.
Me: Aayee.. no problem mate!

And then she goes.

"You see, it was my professor from my place"
(To self): international call.
"And he wanted to come and visit me"
(To self): probably to murder you here, we have liberal laws.
"And I was guiding him whether to take flight.....route maps......and I called my mom......she knew someone...."
(To self): Sure no problem, I just recharged for you to finish it.

For those benevolent people who thinks I shouldn't whine about doing a small favor and making someone's day. A flashback -

Aforementioned person walks into our room. Zaapp! Like an uninvited genie popping up and asks my roommate -
"I need to use headphones"
"Sorry, I don't have it"

She spots what she was looking for in the shelf. "There!" prepares to take them off from the shelf. My smart thinking roomie (bless her heart), interrupts -

"thats my roommate's and I don't think she'll like it"
Guest: "here, I brought mine. Keep this instead" (Note: she brought her own headsets, for replacement)
"no, really.."
"Okay, I'll wake her up then?" Thanks to my roommate, she didn't.

But she did turn up every 15 minutes to see if I was up. Much to my regret, I did wake up sooner that I intended and her internal radar picked it up. Genie got back I gave it to her. After some hours, I walk to her room.

"Hey, I need 5 minutes, I'm talking to my dad"
"uhh.. fine then. Just give it to me when you're done."
"why don't you use mine?"
Wrong question. I counter, "why don't you?"
"The sound, it doesn't go well with my lap".
"Too bad, but I'm going to be interviewed online. So.."
I was pleased with myself for coming up with that.
I see a sad face, with a disapproving look at me. "my father.."
"You said five minutes right, I'll come back in five. See ya!"

P.S: I read somewhere that cow farts contribute to global warming.

P.P.S: On an unrelated note, I have a new acquired habit of having gas troubles right when I walk past her door. Good-day, everyone!

NoN- S [fri]ends! (Read: nonsense!)

When it comes to talking to virtual people, one thing you would want to remember is that: there's always an option to unfriend. Less conspicuous and you don't need to feel awkward because, Gee..they can't see that exhilarating face you put on when you click unfriend! Here's a list of people who needs to be shut in a room with that irritating talking mirror from Snow White.

#1 Deluded mortals who invests their time in all the wrong movies.

I bumped into person in question online after like 7 years. After the initial "hello and how are you's" he jumps to the question,

"So, tell me about your personal life!"

and then he supplements it him being a "good boy" as he doesn't involve in smoking and drinking. This is from someone who posted drunk pictures all over his facebook account. Then next day, he wants to marry me. Third day, he's my protective brother who'd beat others up on my word. Either he has a medical condition no one knows, or he's playing hard-to-get by making him sound "complex"

*my rolling eyes shudders at the memory*

#2 When an ex-friend sends you a friend request
This is a loop. You've been warned. I've seen cases where those friend requests comes with a fair warning,

"hey, dont add reject, because one more rejection of my friend request would make the site block my profile".

Well, points for honesty!
From that to someone, who's been nagging you, every fortnightly to forget the past. I think he forgot too much, because when I responded one fine day, surprising myself and him, he responded with "hey, I know your name, but can't quite place it". Sure, my bad. Maybe he obliterated too much from his past. I wished him luck and was about to close the window when messages pop up. "Now that we talked so much, (3 lines to be exact) we could be friends, add me?" To "add me please?". I dunno why he asked me to add him, and not the other way round, but I have a fairly good idea.

#3 Those needy ones
For those who take the saying "a friend in need is a friend indeed". We never see/hear them until one fine day-

"Hello, how are you? Please like this page", It could also asking for comments and likes on their profile picture which so many edits that they look like a cross between a peacock and a hippogriff. Like that? Even genealogists won't dare for that kinda combination. Not for ethical reasons, aesthetic ones!

#4 Multi-taskers
A guy hitting on a girl is normal. As Sheldon Cooper would say, its a "biological urge". But what if he hits two people simultaneously, who are bffs AND are online at the same time? If he was playing by the laws of probability, it just defied all laws of stupidity. We are yet to find a name for people of your genre.
It reminds me of the line, "come to my parlour, said the spider to the fly", but only the spider dumbass would post something like - "DO NOT ENTER...yet" (I'm still spinning!)

#5 The excessive talkative
If you've read E.V.Lucas's aptly titled work called Bores, you'd get a fairly good idea of these gifted individuals. A lucky sect of people who believes the world is interested in their hourly share of whining, constantly updated poor jokes, and posting pictures of whatever they had from morning with some one-liner lifted from the internet. And oh good lord, the smiley faces plastered onto every comment of theirs. Jolly good fella, eh? I'm so glad that King James I (who believed in divine right) does not belong in this century.

Know anyone who'd fit into the category? Delay not, unburden that enormous list and save yourself from drama overdose!

Exhale.
The parted lips
was only a beginning

Twisted, cowering,
into a shape
blending with the shadows

Leaky eyes,
dripping face
contradicted the smile.

No. I am fine.
Really.
could you please leave?

Ohh.. you wanna know!!
'm better off
with your knowing smile.

Thanks though, you're kind.
those tissues look better unused
And you can smile.

Five Commandments

From the last few months, 've been subjected to certain (??) realities that comes with exposure to real life.
Some excerpts.

#1 Thou shall not appreciate : From the Dentist: "You are underweight for your age, and boys now doesnt like girls who doesnt fit into the right (ahem) criteria"

If he was being sarcastic, he just called me FAT and if he wasnt, UGLY!

#2 Penniless has no language: Scene- Shopping site. There was me haggling in a language that I haven't mastered yet.
Like they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. He wouldn't believe me I was shamelessly broke until I upturned my pockets in front of him. And yes, it was SOLD to me.

#3:Focus belies beauty: No matter how "okay" you look, an extreme close up shot makes you want to hide your existence from fellow beings. This is fairly universal and is not related to the embarrassment we endured in TV production class.

#4 Thou shall not smile at monkeys: Blame it on the movies, they give you the wrong idea. Its not a cute picture that invokes "aww.." in others. Being nice might give you rabies.
Skeptic?
Ever seen a monkeys getting voluntary vaccinations?

#5 Thou shall be pleasant when you conspire: Caught in the act? busted? Here's a fail-safe technique that got me here. Beckon the "one" who spotted you and wave at them. As the mildly confused victim approaches, give them fruits make them assist you in your work.
P.S: Don't indulge in such acts empty handed.

Now that doesn't sound pretentious at all!